Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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