She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
