just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
