who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
