Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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