How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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