Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
