I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
