Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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