Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
