mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
