I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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