Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
