Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
