Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
