Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
