I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
