I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Is it penis luge time yet?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
