just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
