I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
