i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
