I hate all girls vehemently.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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