I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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