need another drink. this is the easiest way
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
