You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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