Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
