just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
