Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
