I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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