i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
As shirtless as possible
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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