apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
