you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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