Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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