Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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