i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
