Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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