This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
