she was so not down for the gang bang
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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