He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
zippers are such a cool invention
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
