Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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