Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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