are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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