oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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