White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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