is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
