i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
