I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
