Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
