I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
