just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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