Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
