Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
