I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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