I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
