Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
