She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
