Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
