Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
