Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
