The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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