My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
