So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
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