I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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